Thursday, September 27, 2012


Yet another new Zumba session has started.  So far, I like the songs/routines better than the last session’s.  They are more “dancier.”

For example, approximately 4 songs have the “brush the dirt off your shoulder” move.  I brush a shit load of dirt off my shoulders during that hour, let me tell you.  My shoulders are spic n span after that class.  Zero dirt.

There is also an LMAFO song where we do The Running Man.   THE RUNNING MAN!  I had my Running Man card taken away about 15 years ago, but in this class I am free to do The Running Man as hard as I want to!

There is also one move that I really enjoy and I call it, “driving the car.”  You put your feet a little past shoulder’s width apart and bend your knees.  Then you put your arms straight out in front of you with your hands close together, and they you “drive the car” forward by “turning the steering wheel in a funky manner” in one direction (full funky air circle with your hands which moves your entire arms) while simultaneously funkily stepping forward one foot at a time in rhythm with your “steering wheel arms.”  After that, you do three distinct other funky moves then you “drive the car backward,” which is basically doing the first move but in a backwards direction.   It’s all very complicated.  But it feels good in  the funk area of your body/soul. 

(Sidebar: I REALLY get into the Driving The Car routine.  I feel like the ladies in the class that are behind me are probably making fun of my enthusiasm)

There is one routine that has a song where the main lyric that repeats is “get on up!”  The funny part about this song is that all the times it’s telling you to “get on up” you are in a half squat, pulsing in place COMPLETELY WISHING you could “get on up” because your thighs are crushed broken glass that’s on fire.  It’s like the song is fucking with us.

There is also a move in this song I call, “rowing the kayak/canoe.” I can’t decide if it’s a kayak or canoe because of I’m unsure of the width of each.  Whatever is thinner is what the move should be called.  Anyway, while you are in the half-squat, pumping position, you then clasp your hands together around the imaginary oar, and then you sort of mimic like you are rowing the shit out of this kayak or canoe in the Olympics.  Quick strokes on each side of your body.  STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!

Also, at the end of this song, there is a kind of “call, response” part to the song…and I’m paraphrasing here…where is says, like, “All the white girls…GET ON UP!  All the black girls…GET ON UP!” etc.  And it sounds like a bunch of people are yelling “GET ON UP!” after he calls out to the different races of girls.  Well, the cheerleader wannabe part of me feels very strongly that the class should yell, “GET ON UP!!” during this part of the song. I think it would improve the fun quotient of the routine exponentially.   I thought it would happen organically, but it hadn’t, so on Monday, I started saying, tentatively loud at first, “GET ON UP!”  during that part of the song  hoping the ladies around me would hear and then join in until all the black/white/brown ladies were all yelling “GET ON UP!” along with the song and it would be like on Glee or Fame the Television show but nobody did.  It was just me.  But the music is always super loud so maybe they were being shy like I was and only saying it kinda loud. 

I will try to be louder next time and hopefully I will start a cool singing thing in my Zumba class because apparently I am a huge dork.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Like Life Was A Cold Wet Washcloth


I think I own one washcloth.  I know this is one of those “failure” things that, as an adult, shouldn’t be a part of my life.  I know I probably should own a dozen washcloths.  Or ten.  An adult amount.  Multiple.  

I might have three, but I only seem to find this one. 

The washcloth is really old.  I think it might even be a Barbie washcloth, but I can’t make out the image any more.  Or there might not even be an image.  Maybe it’s just really old and has saved stains and dirt from everyone it’s ever washed like a really gross Shroud of Turin. 

Tonight I used the washcloth to press against a sore part of my body.  I kept soaking it in hot water and wringing it out so it could be warm against my sore body place. (NOT MY VAGINA)  It kept losing its heat immediately, like it wanted nothing to do with me.  Hot, warm, cold.  Hot, warm, cold. 

I didn’t like it.  Why me?  Why, washcloth? Why?

I thought it would stay hot longer.  Maybe it was because the water at my house has faulty heat molecules.  Maybe the ancient washcloth strands don’t retain heat anymore.  Maybe there is new washcloth technology that might trap hot water more securely and I should purchase some.

Mostly I just felt like everything about trying to fix the sore part of my body was failing and that nobody, not even a hot water washcloth, cared enough to really help.