Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I feel like this year was the smallest, hugest year for me for writing.

However, I feel like 2012 will be a very important year for me, for writing.  I feel like it will be big huge instead of small huge.

I feel a parade coming on, complete with balloons and funnel cake.

Just you wait and see.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Painting is a sport for the young, lest anyone tell you differently.  Unless you have calves made of mindfreak and a back incapable of breaking, do not…I repeat…do not… attempt to paint.  I am talking about walls here, not canvases.  If you must paint walls, be smart, do it very slowly, in very small installments.  Take a full day to recover between walls.  Take a week.  If it takes a month to paint a bathroom, that’s great.  I don’t care that your house is in chaos or shambles or a combination of the two.  You will thank me later.  Your back will thank me.  Your calves will thank me.  Also, all of your other muscles will probably thank me too.  I wish someone would have given me this advice because right now my muscles are pretty effing pissed off.  They’ve thrown down their picket signs and just walked off the job entirely.  I have no useful muscles in my body.  All of the important ones are probably down at the local bar, smoking cigarettes, drinking PBR’s and talking crap about me.  I don’t blame them.  I created the worst job conditions possible and just expected them to take it.  I am a bad meat-vessel.  

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

So, some people do not think you should pretend to give gifts of squids.  Mumbles the Squid from the San Pedro Squid Rescue Foundation to be exact.  Mumbles the Squid, highly trained and extremely intelligent and a perfect imaginary gift for someone who has everything.  You should know he cannot be given as a pretend birthday present.  Feelings might get hurt, you know.  You can’t just give someone an imaginary trained squid and have them believing the squid is theirs for a few hours because that is cruel and unusual punishment.  That would be like telling a five year old you killed Santa Claus and then go, “Just kidding!”  Hahaha and laugh in that kid’s face.   People love getting smart squids for their birthdays.  You can’t just fakegift a squid to someone and expect them to come back from that unscathed.  You are dumb if you thought pretend gifting a squid for someone’s birthday was a funny thing to do.  What were you thinking?

All fake birthday squids have been returned to the fake squid rescue center.  None of them were named Mumbles and they were all imbeciles anyway.  I hope you are happy now.