Friday, July 22, 2011

Fear. Let’s not talk about fear. Fear is creeping up on me and creeping up on me and creeping up on me. It’s my quicksand. I sometimes can’t even make certain phone calls. I have to turn off different thought switches in my brain or I will completely shut down with paralysis. I am beginning to understand why some people can’t leave their house. How people can’t do anything but sit in a chair or lie on a bed. I feel like I am on the verge of overwhelming myself. Okay, maybe not on the verge, exactly, but definitely on the path to being on the verge. It’s like one of those movies where someone is developing special powers. Gradual glimpses of powers or abilities that are shaken off at first; uncomfortable, strange, scary. But then by the end of the movie, the powers are full and developed because that is how movies go.

Maybe I should use a better analogy, like something with a physical transformation like The Fly or something similar where a person changes a little bit at a time until it becomes something it wasn’t ever supposed to be.

Whatever which way, I hope I can get a handle on it soon so I don’t end up alone, in a chair, in a room with no windows and no phone and no television and no computer and no life because if there are no outside forces pressing down upon me I cannot be afraid.

A large part of me wants to live in a treehouse that sits on the very top branches of a very beautiful tree that grows on a very beautiful island with warm tropical weather but only light rainfall. That tree would have the best wireless reception, a surprisingly civilized almost fancy plumbing system and the island would have a gourmet pizza delivery service that gives me all of my pizza for free because every time they are done giving me my pizza they love to ride the ‘exit slide’ that twists and turns through the branches and leaves of my tree on its way down to the ground, back to their delivery car. Like, the employees fight over who gets to deliver me my pizza, it's so much fun on that friggin' slide. Sometimes they will bring me free six packs of beer. Also, the tree has 8 “platforms” of living space made up of bedrooms, entertainment areas and lounging areas and a library. I will have lots of visitors or no visitors. I will do anything I want. I will fly around the island because I will also have a pet bird that loves me and takes me to all the best swimming spots that nobody can get to and I am naked and beautiful and not afraid of anything because nothing can touch me there. The end.


  1. Absolutely Incredible, Beautiful Dream. Post More!

  2. PS: You can do this NOW. No need to wait to not be "afraid." Doing it will make you unafraid! Take it from one who knows exactly what you are talking about.