Monday, May 30, 2011

I am sunburned and my face looks like a craggy outcropping.

I put my eyes on and I feel better.

Mama always cooks breakfast. I asked, “Is there rice?” and before I finished it I already knew the answer and told her I shouldn’t have asked and she agrees.

Sounds of race cars.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Last night I made food on a stick and that means I cooked it over an open flame and it was raw on a stick and then I turned and turned and turned it until it got cooked. Some people said, “Watch your tip! Your tip is burning!” Some people said, “Lean it like this! Turn it like this!” Some people said, “It is done! Yours is done now!” Every time some people said those things I would listen because I was a ‘first timer” and “inexperienced.”

The food was gooey when I put it on the stick. I smoothed it down the stick like a wet, gloppy condom. When the food was placed on like this, some people snickered and made, “You sure are good at this!” jokes. I made those jokes too.

The food took a short but sort of medium time to cook. It was hard to tell when the food was ready. It was a hard to balance sort of food where the outside could burn easily and yet leave the inside raw and unready. That is why I listened to what everyone had to tell me. “This ain’t no roasted marshmallow, Tracy!” That’s what some people said to me.

I decided when I thought mine was done and some people agreed. When I tried to take it off the stick it burned my fingers and I yelled made up swears. Cartoon swears. Then I “manned up” and pulled it off like a band-aid. My fingertips were burning with it and I juggled it from hand to hand. Some people said, “I told you so!” I just wanted to eat already.

I took the squeeze bottle from one person who was finished and said, “How do I do this?” Some people said, “Like this” or “Squeeze until it’s filled up.” So, I did. And Then I took the small spoon from the tub and said, “Do I put this now?” and some people said, “Yes.” And I was glad because I knew it was going to be my favorite part.

Everything started melting and I went to take small bite of my creation and some people said, “Not like that! You have to pop it all in your mouth!” and I said, “No.” and I ate it in little bites and it was better that way, I think. Even though I was a beginner, I already knew how I was going to enjoy it.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Tonight my plan is to invent some sort of dinner involving cocktail meatballs and teriyaki sauce.

White rice is the poor man’s sidewalk gum.

I've had popcorn for lunch the past three days.

This is what happens when you try to go a week without grocery shopping.

Also, there will be artichokes. I forgot about those. Who the heck figured out an artichoke would be a good food? Without Googling I will say that aren’t artichokes like some sort of flower thing? Like, who looks at an artichoke OR A CLAM and decides, “Food!”? There must have been a lot of adventurous people back in the olden times. I’ve seen some weird nature stuff over the years and have never thought to take anything home and attempt multiple ways to make them into an edibility option.

I think I like to feel safe inside the things that others have tried and succeeded in.  I am not one to blaze trails and that's okay with me.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Someone should invent portable pockets.  Pockets that can be attached to pocketless things for an ‘Instant pocket whenever you want it!” That could be their tagline. 
Nevermind. I will invent it. Please don’t steal my idea.  I need to become a millionaire. Thanks.

Saturday, May 7, 2011


This sort of blows me right the fuck away because of the sheer volume of online stories published every month, then multiply that by a YEAR and to take them all and whittle them down to just 50 (plus the awesome long list, of course) and the fact that ONE OF MY STORIES MADE THE TOP 50 just makes me feel that what I am doing, all the time I'm spending, all the being alone with a keyboard is maybe not for nothing.  That things I write maybe make a difference and maybe I am okay at writing. 

It's a brownie point and I am going to wear it with pride even if a 'point' is not wearable.

Thank you Wigleaf. 

Sunday, May 1, 2011

My dog ate three foil-wrapped Dodger dogs yesterday. The black rug looked like one of those mylar-looking weather balloons exploded all over it. She looked back at me, over her shoulder, smacking her dog lips. Now I have to make sure she poos, I guess. The poo is sure to look dirty disco ball fantastic. I also thought maybe she will finally die because of this. I’m not sure how much foil she actually ingested. But dogs eat a lot of bad stuff and still live, right? I mean my last dog ate a paper towel once. I only know this because I pulled it, completely intact, out of his butthole. The smelliest magic trick ever.

Last night I drank wine, vodka, rum, tequila and gin. I don’t know why I did that. Just so you know, when you drink that mixed bouquet of booze you end up getting sexy with the Electric Slide and don’t even care when you miss getting cake.