Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I made lemon chicken.  I haven't made lemon chicken in a long time.  I made the lemon chicken because i forgot i had FIFTY MILLION LEMONS IN A CARDBOARD BOX YES A CARDBOARD BOX that a kindly neighbor gave to me. 

How does one forget about a GIANT CARDBOARD BOX FULL OF LEMONS THAT HAS BEEN SITTING IN THEIR KITCHEN ON A TABLE FOR A FEW WEEKS?  My guess is that the GIANT CARDBOARD BOX starts to become part of the scenery like a toaster oven or a coffee maker.  That is how I am explaining it to myself so I feel less retarded.

The box is not small. It's not a shoebox size.  The box is the size of a 1982 microwave.  It was half full of lemons when i got it.  I was like, thanks for the lemons and in my head, I was like, I am never going to use all of these effing lemons.  But I am not one to hurt feelings so I put the lemons on my kitchen table and just felt threatened by them for a while.

The first thing i did was bring some to work.  For some reason, people at my work love dirty, stem and leave attached lemons.  Go them.  I dont know what they used them for. Maybe they put it in their tea or some crap.  I didn't care.  My goal was just GET RID OF THE LEMONS.

Oh, i'd use them every so often, when I'd remember.  My most popular use was, "take one out and throw it in the garbage can when nobody was looking."  I felt a special sort of satisfaction whenever I'd throw one away, like, i was one sour citrus fruit closer to NOT HAVING A GIANT CARDBOARD BOX FULL OF LEMONS ON MY KITCHEN TABLE. 

I bought some spinach last week and used a lemon or two when i sauteed the spinach.  I think I used the lemons for some other food reason once before that, but i can't remember it now.  Mostly the lemons just sit in the box, like Jews in a closet during the Holocaust. 

Last night I decided to defrost some chicken thighs, although I wasn't sure why.  It seemed like a good thing to do if I wanted to feed the people I usually feed.  I didn't know what i would make with the, I can't just throw some raw chicken on a plate and expect people to like it.  I figured that i would figure out something later even though I knew my cupboard was bare.   BUT THEN MY BOSS TOLD ME SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT MAKING LEMON CHICKEN AND I WAS LIKE, HOLY CRAP, LEMON CHICKEN!  HOW DID I NOT THINK OF THIS ON MY OWN!  I AM FAIL AT LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, when i got home, I lemon chickened the HECK out of those thighs!  I used like a total of 6 lemons.  Two of them just for the rind!  AND I DIDNT EVEN JUICE THEM! I JUST GRATED THEIR SKIN AND THREW THEM AWAY LIKE A BADASS LEMON WASTER!

And the lemon chicken was delicious and the box of lemons is still on my kitchen table and i am still feeling threatened by them.  I sort of want to throw them all over my lawn so they are like a yellow easter egg art piece in February or just toss them into the street and watch them all die under car tires.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

"We were on this car trip,

And I was looking at these rows and rows of trees all along the highway.

I don't know what kind of trees, apples or something.

There were just like thousands and thousands of rows of a thousand trees each.

And I picked one tree that I could see about eight trees back in this one row in the middle.

Just one in a billion.

And that's how I felt"

Eels, Apple Tree

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

There should be a show called Car Hoarders. I know you’ve seen them. Heck, I saw two just yesterday. People whose cars are so full of crap there is only enough space for them to sit in the driver’s seat. It’s amazing. It’s like the opposite of those cars that have all the decorative crap glued all over them. It’s decoration in reverse no it’s filling a car like filling a stomach that never shits.

One of the car hoarders I saw yesterday drove by me and it was like he was crashed in a river; the car half-submerged, his shoulders and head just above the waterline. Except instead of water, it was…stuff. They drove past me and their wake felt heavy, thick, sunken. I wanted to tell him to put his neck up, breathe in the air pocket. Hold on until help could come but that was a fast thought. Involuntary. And then the logic came and it was that he was a mere hoarder. There was no opportunity for rescue or saving. He was holding himself under. A sort of suicide.