Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What would you do if you could eat all of the fruit you wanted? Would you start with mangos and pineapple or go straight for the traditional bananas, apples and oranges?

I think I would start with different varieties of melons cut into colorful cubes, a mélange of radiant sweetness awaiting my gaping maw. I think, after I tired of melon, I would move into the mangos, the pineapples, the grapes. Maybe after those I’d go on a berry binge. Berries can be mixed into things; curdled dairy products or flakes of corn. Pies. You know the drill. Summer fruits would rule a long couple of months for me; peaches, plums, nectarines, etc. I would squish the overly ripe ones in my fists before throwing them over cliffs, into landfills, into oceans, rivers, storm drains. I love summer fruits and how you can feel the heat trapped in their skins. It’s like eating the sweat of the sun.

Pomegranates?

Leechees?

Passion fruit?

I don’t know. Put them on a pretty dish. Serve them to me while wearing lingerie. I’ll think about it. But eventually I know I’m going back to the basics; apples, oranges, bananas. They have never let me down. I trust in them; my fruit friends. Like on Seinfeld. But with peels.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

My mom has a new refrigerator. It’s the kind that you can’t put any magnets on. For the last 20 years or so she has collected refrigerator magnets. She will buy them from all of the places she visits and put them on her fridge. Every time I visit her, her refrigerator has been completely covered in magnets. This year it is not. It’s weird seeing my mom’s naked fridge.

My mom also finally bought a new washer and dryer. The previous washer and dryer she had had since the 1980’s. The dials were all busted off and the buttons were missing and didn’t push in or were permanently stuck out. The rubber around one of the dials had been eaten away by rats. Rats that my little brother used to keep as pets, or rather, they were food for his boa constrictors and then, eventually became pets because they would breed so much he couldn’t feed them to the snakes fast enough. Much like the snakes, the rats would escape every so often. My childhood home was a house of animal horrors. You would never know when you’d run into a ball python or a huge rat.

These new appliances bring a further erasing of my past. I can see bits and pieces of my original home between, underneath and behind the new my mom has brought to this place I grew up in. I am just a little sad about it, but that’s just the nostalgia talking. Old gets replaced by the new, eventually. I have been replaced already. I’m just not entirely gone yet.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Yesterday, I shopped until my legs collapsed.  Crawling through the mall is no laughing matter.  People didn't even stop to help.  I couldn't even get a security gaurd to look at me sideways.  Note to self: don't wear pretty shoes when you plan on walking through a mall for four hours.

Shopping for clothes makes me realize how much I delude myself into thinking I am not fat.  Why am I so lumpy?  Somebody please take a human sized spatula to my flesh and spread it out evenly until there are no lumps.

Another reason I hate shopping: clothes hangers.  And not just clothes hangers, but how the employees at the stores are forced to shove 40 items on a rack meant for 20 so there is no wiggle room to move a friggin hanger so you can try to find your size and when you finally do, you go to pull out the hanger and it catches on the sleeves or strap of the other items jammed up against it thus thwarting the attempt you are making on removing said hanger.

I let a lot of clothes fall on to mall floor this weekend AND I DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!  #1 I am not going to pick up clothes that fell because they were stuck to the hanger I was removing because IT TOOK ME FIVE MINUTES TO SIMPLY REMOVE THE DANG HANGER, I AM WINDED!  and #2, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR JAMMING 40 ITEMS ON A 20 ITEM RACK RETAIL BITCHES! EARN YOUR  KEEP!

Thank you. Come again.

P.S. Dear The New Yorker, it's time for my acceptance to come, thank you. 

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I am a fan of things staying the same.  Don't move that chair.  Don't change my hair.  All the same things I wear. 

The opposite of same is change.  Change scrapes my skin. Ow. Me no like.

I am not alone in this. I know.

You can all wrap your arms around this. 

While you are doing so, can you wrap them around me too?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I like killing flies!  I could stay outside all day trying to kill flies.  They are of no value to me.  I don’t feel bad about it.  I guess I could not be Hindu.

We have a fly problem going on right now in our backyard.  Maybe it’s all the dog poo or dead animal carcasses.  Either way, the flies are plaguing back there like Jesus is pissed and sending us a message.

It’s gross.  It makes me angry and disgusted.

We’ve tried many things, from cheap-ass flypaper to expensive traps that emit smells that almost make the fly infestation more palatable.

But nothing is working.

All of the four flypaper strips are bare.  There ISN’T ONE FLY IN THE ROTTEN SMELLING TRAP. NOT ONE!

I swear to God, the flies we have are superflies.  HAHA Like the wrestler!  They like, have super intelligence and crap.  Also, they are way more stronger than regular non-super flies.  Like, today, I trapped one in the bathroom and I was like, “Come to mama!”  and I got out this can of aerosol hairspray that is called HAIR FREEZE so you know it’s super sticky.  Like, when I use this hairspray on my hair a tornado has a hard time messing up my ‘do.  So, I was POSITIVE that if I sprayed this flying speck of pestilence with the hairspray, it would render his wings useless and he would plummet to the ground where I would smash him with my shoe.

But no, that did not happen. 

Let me tell you, I sprayed the EFF out of that bathroom!  I sprayed tons of hairspray on that fly and NOTHING!  Didn’t even slow him down.  I’m sitting in there gagging on the fumes and this little effer is buzzing away, healthy as can be.  I mean, if you lit a match in that bathroom there would’ve been an explosion because of all of the hairspray I let loose in there.

But the fly lives.

As do the rest.

Failure.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME A BAG OF APPLES!  My boss gave me a bag of apples, for FREE!  I haven’t counted them, but I can estimate there are perhaps 10 apples in the bag.  The bag is clear and has a picture of a bright red apple on it.  The red is a color that I have never seen in an actual apple.  There is also a ‘tart-O-meter’ on the bag.  The tart-O-meter goes from ‘tart’ to ‘sweet’.  These apples rank all the way to SWEET!

AN ENTIRE BAG OF SWEET APPLES FOR ME FOR FREE!!!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Manny Pacquiao is the most adorable boxer ever.  I would like to put him in my pocket and enjoy his tiny jabs as they bruise my collarbone because, OMG HE IS THE CUTEST PURVEYOR OF DESTRUCTION EVER!