Friday, September 13, 2013

Barrelhouse 12

Hey Nobody!

I will have a story in Barrelhouse 12!  It's a printed book and EVERYTHING!

Check it out!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I need to stop treating small candy bars like snacks.  I shove them into my mouth multiple times because “they have nuts!” I negate them because of their size.

You know who doesn’t negate them?

My thighs.

My thighs invite the candy bars over for coffee and light conversation. My thighs are all, "Let's watch the Laker game!"   My thighs are super friendly.  They invite EVERYONE I negate over!  Those leftover fries the warehouse guy gave me for lunch, that spoonful of peanut butter (or two) eaten standing at the sink, all of the wine, all of the beer, every melted cheese thing.  "COME ON OVER!!" Their welcome mat is huge. 

My thighs are like, “Party time at our house!!!” And all of those things come over and they all bring friends.  And it doesn’t matter if there are too many to fit, the walls endlessly stretch.  And even if they hit their limit, the overflow just moves up to the attic of my hips and belly. 


God damn.  

I need to stop saying no to myself.  Or there won’t be any room in here for me. 

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

I get emailed “coupons” from CVS and I always click on them and “send them to card” which means the coupon gets “attached” to my CVS card and when I shop at CVS and they scan my card they say “You have a coupon.  Would you like to apply it?”

My answer is always, “Why, yes. Yes I would.”

It’s the best thing ever.

I got to CVS to buy miscellaneous items.  Usually it’s birthday cards, makeup and movie candy.  Sometimes it’s medicine related.  I usually go to the same store.  The checkers there are always “interesting.”  One of them had this really crazy facial deformity where she sort of looked like Sloth from The Goonies.  She was my favorite.

But now there is some Asian man and I think he doesn’t like me because every time I go to him and he scans my card he never says anything about the coupon I know is there and when I tell him there should be a coupon there he justs looks again and flatly says, “No.”

My response to this is usually a sigh of defeat.

I feel like he is cock blocking my coupon usage for some reason.  I’m getting so mad just typing about it.  All the 20%’s he’s deprived me of.  I could’ve been saving ones of dollars!

I don’t know what to do anymore.   I’m just going to give up on life.   There's no point.  Click me and hit "send to card."  See where i go.    

Saturday, January 19, 2013

The video game chair has joined the living room furniture.  I know it feels ‘less than.’  I make people sit in it so it can begin to feel like it belongs.  Sometimes I hear it crying at night. Sobbing, “I’m not just for video game playing! I can help anyone sit comfortably who is doing most ANYTHING!” 

I pat it sometimes when I walk by.  It has speaker ears.

Will today be a ‘house cleaning day?’ Only time will tell.  There are areas where things have gathered.  Random things that I know come from elsewhere.  Belong elsewhere.  They cluster like refugees.  I hate them.  I want to spray them with a fire hose.  

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Something sort of incredible and awesome happened this week and I think it’s a message from God maybe or an allegory or whatever that word is.

I’ve lived in the same house for 20 years and just found out that the house, one door down, that had ‘the old couple’ living in it is also harboring their 53 year old, morbidly obese (TLC Show obese) son that I never knew they had.

None of the neighbors knew they had this son.

Until the paramedics had to come because he was stuck on the floor for two days while the parents were out of town and he stopped answering the phone and they called the cops I guess.

He stays inside on his computer and never leaves the house.  We’ve only been “sidewalk friendly” with the old couple but even our neighbor that lives next to them didn’t know about him.

Makes me feel like you can think you know something for 20 years and then be surprised about something you knew nothing about.

I think this event sort of encapsulates my year in some way.  I’m not sure how.  But I’d like to think it does.  Maybe the world is trying to give me a message.  Like, thinking I am not able to write a novel for all my life but maybe it’s hiding inside me unbeknownst to my neighbors and all I have to do is call the paramedics and get it out.

I hope 2013 is the year for flashy red lights and sirens outside the house my novel has fallen down in.

And I hope it’s that way for you, too. Well, with whatever is inside you that you want to come out. 

Sunday, December 9, 2012

I have learned to tolerate Costco. I don’t know. Maybe deep breaths. Maybe understanding and embracing that humanity will always be detestable.  Maybe large portions of things I want at low prices like Brussels sprouts and Pam cooking spray.  Whatever it is, I have grown. 

Look at me. Advancing in life. Growing like a big girl should. 

I am scratching a hole into my hand.

My dad sent me a Christmas card. It’s printed with a message.  The handwritten message reads, “Leaving for Thailand Dec 4 and will be back Dec 20. Going to ride an elephant.”

My dad.

I’m watching a movie about whores.

Friday, November 30, 2012

There isn’t anything in lost souls.  Furthermore, the brains of camels are stored heavy with water. It’s a fact. I’ve researched. Try a website called “Wikipedia.” 


I know I don’t post enough here. I could say that’s gonna change, but it’s not.  Nobody wants to hear what I have to say.  They want to hear that other girl. But not me.  S’okay. 

In the world of synchronized swimming, I am a dove.

I broke a mirror the other day.  There were 48 fragments including the slivers.  I couldn’t put it back together.  I didn’t bleed once.

A pre-lit, 4’ Christmas tree from Big Lots costs $29.87 INCLUDING tax.  It doesn’t look as shitty as it should. 

Let me tell you… when I get ornaments on that fucker, it’s gonna SHINE.